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I don't have joy in anything anymore. I cry everytime I watch or do something I did in the past that I found fun.
The first thing I do when I wake up until I sleep is thinking about killing myself. Hundreds of times I repeat it in my head.
But logically, I don't want that. But there is not one shred of will or motivation in my head to fight against it.
I feel like I'm depressed like some people are extraverts or have a weird laugh.
Nothing helps, I swam for a whole year, every day, almost no breaks, my body was a machine and got very fit and lean.
But everytime I went in the water I hoped I cramped up and drowned. Now I don't swim anymore, but litterly feel as worse as than.
Which is why none of it makes sense.
String theory, 4th dimensions?
It's just talmudic masturbation from behind a desk. It's not meant to make sense or be practical.
The Nazis threw all that shit out and suddenly invented ICBMs, assault rifles and went into the jet age.
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